For some, Valentine’s Day is a day filled with presents, declarations of love, and romantic bliss. But for others, it’s a yearly reminder that everything sucks and that you’ll die alone, surrounded by a herd of cats. So if you’re not really in the mood for the standard gushiness of Valentine’s Day, put on one of these perfect anti-Valentine’s movies, open a bottle of wine, and celebrate the fact that you don’t have to deal with the misery of love.
- Blue Valentine
- Cabin in the Woods
- Fatal Attraction
- Legally Blonde
Because we’ve all watched our friends get married and find happiness, while we’re just struggling to function with everyday adult responsibilities. Everyone feels liberated when Kristen Wiig smashes that giant heart-shaped cookie. It’s a fairly accurate representation of how you feel about Valentine’s Day.
The most sob-inducing Valentine’s Day movie out there. Watch Ryan Gosling and Michelle William’s marriage crumble before your very eyes, juxtaposed with the ultra-sweet moments that show how they got together in the first place. Watching the birth and death of a relationship in the same movie is the best/worst way to celebrate your anti-Valentine’s Day.
The most messed-up love story you’ll ever see. It’ll make your own love life look downright simple and pleasant. Two couples that swap partners at will, rampant infidelity, emotional abuse, screaming, crying, and a whole lot of weird feelings. Needless to say, it doesn’t end up happily ever after. Which is always satisfying at this time of the year.
It’s funny, it’s gory, it’s clever, and it’s scary. It’s also perfect for laughing at the standard “couple” tropes that are seen in most films. It mocks the false, superficial relationships, and praises the real ones that have substance; the ones that Hollywood doesn’t show as often. All set in a kind of meta-horror movie that offers a little bit of everything. Nothing says “I hate Valentine’s Day” quite like watching teens get eviscerated in the cliche camping-trip-gone-wrong scenario.
Another horror film, Audition is the kind that messes with your head in the scariest way. Even more so than your ex. An already-creepy relationship goes horribly, horribly wrong. Audition is famous for having one of the creepiest torture scenes in horror history. But the damage is done to a skeezy casting director just looking to hookup with a young and beautiful girl. So if you’re not feeling too sorry for the heartbreakers of the world, this is the revenge flick for you.
One of the most famous tales of physical love gone crazy, Fatal Attraction is the perfect reminder to stay single (and safe) forever and ever. It’ll put anyone off of the love thing when you watch Glenn Close stalk, threaten, kill pets, and generally go bonkers… all for obsessive love of a man. Get a plant or something instead of a significant other. You’ll avoid the crazy that way.
A more lighthearted movie that reminds us that sometimes when we’re single, we’re at our most powerful selves. Leave it to Elle Woods to teach us that anyone can get their act together once they realize all the things that are more important than a relationship.